Lupus and Caregiving: Finding Purpose Again

It's been a year since my mom passed - four years for my dad. Both from cancer. 

Since then, I've been...unsettled. 

Not sad. Not stuck. Just searching. Searching for a way forward. 

Searching, I think, for a purpose. 

When my parents moved into our home so we could take care of them, my girls were only 7 and 9.  The kids were old enough to tie their own shoes and make a piece of toast, for example, but my daily involvement in their lives was still significant. 

I told them when to put their shoes on, and they asked if they could have the toast. 

My parents needed daily caregiving, too, so my load was heavy. But I learned to embrace it. I came to appreciate it. The juggle, some days, struggle, gave me purpose. 

Fast forward a few years, and I've lost both my parents - 

And gained two teenagers. 

The girls grew into independent, responsible, beautiful young ladies, all while I was tending to their grandparents. Today, they are fully capable of doing many things - most of which are way beyond making toast. 

The kids don't need me the way they used to. I'm still adjusting to the time they want alone. To the time they prefer to be with friends. To the times when I am, seemingly, without purpose. 

But I'm beginning to understand. They don't need me as often, but they need me more. 

They need more of me. 

Of who I am. 

Of how I came to be me. 

Of how they are going to become themselves. 

They are growing, changing, feeling, thinking - often, for what seems like the very first time.  The decisions they're making now are life changing. Important. Lasting.

Decisions that have purpose.  

And they're asking me to help in the process. 

Purpose, indeed.