Lupus and Saying "No": Learning it's Okay!
I shut the computer, grabbed my waders, and went out on the water. It was so unbelievably peaceful, and I was instantly transported to a morning without "shoulds", to-do lists, or agendas. I paddled a bit, floated a bit, and allowed the tide to take me wherever it wanted. It was the most relaxing, rejuvenating way I'd spent 30 minutes all summer!
As I made my way back to the house, I snapped back into reality as I found someone had waded out to meet me. My fearless pup! I hauled Tia up into the canoe, and out we went again to explore. I didn't want to deny her the serenity I'd just experienced!
Sure, the goals I'd had for that morning had been pretty clear. In addition to a blog post, I was also supposed to tackle some inventory management and bang out a marketing email. I should have done those things. But I didn't.
Without realizing it, I decided those "shoulds" could wait. And I am so glad I did.
This kind of allowance or flexibility didn't always come so easily. I spent much of my early years with lupus caught in a permanent internal struggle. I wanted so badly to show lupus that she wasn't in charge - that I could still accomplish everything I wanted to. But both on a daily basis and in life overall, my body just couldn't keep up. Physically, I was pushing myself beyond what my aching, swollen, broken body could handle.
Forcing myself to scale back was no picnic either. It was like I was losing a part of myself every time I said "No" or "I can't". It was so painful to constantly monitor my how much was too much. There were lots of tears, and a ton of frustration. I didn't know it then, but it was a twentysomething's version of a tantrum.
But then, a shift took place. Making sure I didn't overdo started to pay off. Saying "No" one day meant I could say "Yes" on another. Slowly, I started choosing when, what, and how I wanted to expend energy, rather than lupus dictating my choices. Wise decision-making came easier each day, because I was experiencing the benefits. My health improved; my tantrums diminished.
For the most part, I continue to exercise healthy choices when it comes to the "shoulds" in my life. But on those rare days when I feel an overwhelming compulsion to blow off my responsibilities and hop in the canoe, I take full advantage of it. No need to fight the inner voices now! Just look at that view!
Without realizing it, I decided those "shoulds" could wait. And I am so glad I did.
This kind of allowance or flexibility didn't always come so easily. I spent much of my early years with lupus caught in a permanent internal struggle. I wanted so badly to show lupus that she wasn't in charge - that I could still accomplish everything I wanted to. But both on a daily basis and in life overall, my body just couldn't keep up. Physically, I was pushing myself beyond what my aching, swollen, broken body could handle.
Forcing myself to scale back was no picnic either. It was like I was losing a part of myself every time I said "No" or "I can't". It was so painful to constantly monitor my how much was too much. There were lots of tears, and a ton of frustration. I didn't know it then, but it was a twentysomething's version of a tantrum.
But then, a shift took place. Making sure I didn't overdo started to pay off. Saying "No" one day meant I could say "Yes" on another. Slowly, I started choosing when, what, and how I wanted to expend energy, rather than lupus dictating my choices. Wise decision-making came easier each day, because I was experiencing the benefits. My health improved; my tantrums diminished.
For the most part, I continue to exercise healthy choices when it comes to the "shoulds" in my life. But on those rare days when I feel an overwhelming compulsion to blow off my responsibilities and hop in the canoe, I take full advantage of it. No need to fight the inner voices now! Just look at that view!
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