A few weekends ago, I felt like an absolute all-star - an all-star parent, that is. It was a lovely Saturday afternoon, and Johnny had taken Deirdre out for a few hours. I put Bernadette down for a nap, walked into my bedroom for my nap, and promptly fell asleep. Two hours later, I woke up, Bernie still sawing logs in her room, and Johnny and Deirdre still out and about. Thirty-minutes later, Bernie woke up, and I anxiously went in to get her, as I was refreshed and ready to go. I felt like a million dollars - like a normal parent who rests when her kids do and gets up when her kids get up. I felt self-sufficient and capable, and it felt great to be able to take full responsibility for Bernie - rather than to rely on help from a babysitter.
Of course, Johnny was helping out tremendously with Deirdre, so essentially, I did have help. But I couldn't shake the fact that being able to independently care for at least one daughter gave me a boost. A feather in my cap, if you will.
So what does that mean? Does that mean that during the week, when I have a babysitter help with the girls while I finish my nap, that stellar feeling of self-sufficiency is decidedly absent?
Maybe yes, maybe no. But what it does tell me is that I need to remind myself that just because I have to nap, just because I need babysitting help, and just because there are some things I can't do for my kids as well I wish I could - that doesn't make me any less of a mom. Not even for one moment.
Don't misunderstand me - I'm not consciously thinking these ill thoughts about my abilities to parent. But the fact that I felt so good about single-handedly taking care of Bernie made me realize that perhaps these thoughts do cross my mind, subconsciously.
So I'm nipping them in the bud - and I'm reminding every other mom out there to do the same. Just because we have lupus - with all of the limitations and accommodations that come with it - doesn't for one moment mean we can't be the best moms on the block. Yes, there are sacrifices, and yes, there are days when we do more snuggling than playing, but quality time is quality time. And as referenced on Wednesday, my girls are pretty darn happy just watching their nails change colors. Sounds pretty good to me, too!